I must go up on deck again and stick my head over the side
Since me on water is very bad news no matter how calm the tide.
I've spewed ice-cream on The Serpentine in a decorative cartouche,
Cornettos from many a gondola and bisque from a bateau mouche.
I've puked my guts on body boards from Croyde to Carbis Bay
I've vomited under Putney Bridge on every Boat Race Day.
I've chundered almost instantly on the Broads in a Norfolk wherry,
While there's precious little I've not chucked up on the Dartmouth/Kingswear ferry.
And the Second Mate has just walked past with a greasy bacon butty,
So my innards are now a churning gloop and my face the shade of putty.
Now all I need is a lessening wind and to find a sheltered place
Where a man can lose his breakfast and it won't blow back in his face.
(first published in The Spectator, 2017)